The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
