I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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