I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
