she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
