I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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