Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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