peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
