my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
