u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
