3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
