I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Randomize
