my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
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