the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
