I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
