I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
