I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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