Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize