I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila