I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
