So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.