My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
