my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
So many bounce houses so little time
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Drake has all the answers
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
