I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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