i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
