Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
