New low: just hacked my moms facebook
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
