Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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