Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
