In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
