Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
