I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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