The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
