recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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