I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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