I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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