I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
