I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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