I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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