happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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