I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
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you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
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Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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