"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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