We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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