I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
