remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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