a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
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My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
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oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize