I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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