Don't make out with my wife yet
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
When did angry sex become our thing?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
