Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
