If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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