update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
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I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
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Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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