If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
