I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
