You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
We just shotgunned beers for America
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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