I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
