he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
