I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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