Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
