Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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