He asked to "fluff my boner.."
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
