After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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