somebody snuck up and got me drunk
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
