it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Randomize
